Recently I have found myself sleepless on most nights, laying in my bed unable to stop my brain from working away at the situation I now find myself in. I refuse to believe that I’m the only one who wronged others or made mistakes when I was younger. (And by young I mean my teens and early twenties) Which is not to say I am in any way attempting to minimize the things I did. Infact the truth is as far opposite of that as possible.
As I sit in front of my PC at home typing out very personal and intimate apoligies I try and place myself at the other end of the message. Try and view things through the eyes of those I had wronged or treated poorly. Maybe its just me, maybe I’m easy to forgive – but reading over the messages I have composed I find it almost impossible to understand how anyone can read these messages and flat out ignore me.
It confuses and upsets me trying to picture people I used to call friends sitting at their computers, reading these heartfelt and very personal messages from me and closing the window – ignoring my presence and continuing on with their days.
I just don’t know what to think or do. It leaves me sitting awake at four in the morning, unable to sleep.
Edit: And on top of all that – In my absence it seems that I’ve almost become some sort of mythical bad guy. Outlandish claim ontop of outlandish claim has been stacked against me. How do you defend yourself against lies that have been accepted as fact for over four years? The following crazy ass claims have apparently been lobbied against me:
- I sold the KGB tower: Even though the damn thing DECAYED because no one was paying for the account. No one seems to take into account the fact that said structure doesen’t even exist anymore.
- I sold the KGB keep: Despite the fact that everyone knows Parn sold it and is a big-fat-fucking-liar that refuses to accept responsibility, everyone seems to assume that his claims that I did it are true.
- I stalked Jetstar IRL: Wtf? I have no idea who came up with this one. I guess because I called up an old friend at home a few times over the years and left a message for him to get ahold of me I’m a stalker? I dunno – this one is just fucking loopy.
- I “hacked” the KGB website: Now – you won’t catch me denying that I made unauthorized changes and betrayed Jet’s trust in me. Read: I was not permitted to do what I did, and regardless of what reasons I may have had at the time it was WRONG and Jet had every right to react how he did. I really did deserve a real-life kick in the balls. However there was no “hacking” – not only did I just login with credentials I had been provided with a while ago (again, betraying Romeo’s trust in me) but I’m just not smart enough to know how to hack.. Heh.
With a list like this, I wouldn’t be suprised if the majority of KGB things I’m crazier then Cry For Dawn and Coldsteel combined.
If they can’t forgive you it’s their own issue, something you should not worry about. As long as you know you did what was right, it doesn’t really matter.
Don’t give yourself a hard time because others aren’t mature enough to accept an apology.
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